A bittersweet time of year

when happy moments feel like loss

As most of you know, I write a column in my local paper once a month and often share them here too for those who aren’t likely or able to pick up our free weekly in the local coffee shop or see my posts on social media. It ran today here.

Warning: lots of people are texting and messaging me about how this made them cry.

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By the time I write for you again in a month, I will have watched my oldest son play his last high school baseball game, straightened his tie for his last prom and watched him walk across a stage to receive his high school diploma. Everyone promised it would go by fast. They wisely said that “the days are long but the years are short.” And so it is that the little boy who made me a mom, the one whose big brown eyes used to light up like a Christmas tree at the sight of mommy at pre-school pick-up, is only months away from leaving home. 

So many of you have already been through this experience many times. Some are days away from seeing your youngest child graduate, gearing up for the “empty nest” life. Others feel like you just dropped your sons and daughters off at college and now, in what seems like the blink of an eye, they’ve played their last collegiate game, competed in their last race, taken their last bow from the stage and received their college diploma. Those of you who are grandparents can’t believe that those grandbabies you just held in your loving arms have grown up so fast. I know my own parents and my husband’s parents feel a sense of disbelief that their first grandchild who was just riding in a stroller and toddling around with fistfuls of action figures, is headed off to college. It’s all good stuff—and yet it feels like a loss too.

I recently had a friendly disagreement over this idea that a joyful event can also be a loss. My conversation partner felt like “loss” was too strong a word for a happy occasion, that loss implied something that had gone wrong or wasn’t supposed to happen. But I offered up the example of a father-of-the-bride when he walks his daughter down the aisle and gives her away in marriage—of course he’s happy for her but there has to be a pang of loss too. The shift from a loud and chaotic house with shoes and cups everywhere to an empty nest has to be a difficult transition for a lot of people, but it doesn’t mean they want their kids to pause their plans and stick around. I think the word “bittersweet” exists in large part to explain what parents feel during these big moments in their children’s lives. 

For my part, it hits me in waves. I feel grateful that my son is off to an exciting next chapter and I’m confident that he’s ready. I think that makes it easier. But there are moments when I stumble across an old photo or a memory pops into my head and my heart hurts a little. If I know myself, I’ll have a lump in my throat off and on for the next few weeks as I watch my first born, my first baby, participate in a lot of “lasts.” His dad and I walked him onto the baseball field a couple days ago for a celebration of seniors and I kept thinking about the day my husband bought him his first real glove. 

To all the graduates out there, we parents (and grandparents) are so very happy for you and in those moments when we look a little sad amidst the balloons and cigars, it is for one very simple reason : we love you more than you could ever know.